BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND
I’ve fuckin’ had it with Los Angeles.
It’s a fraud - all sizzle and no steak. Once
upon a time, the Sunset Strip swung. It was crawling
with rock stars and 14 year-old groupies. Led Zeppelin
molested girls with
Mud Sharks, and there was more snow blowin’ around
than the north fucking pole. But these days are gone,
and it’s only fair the world know that LA IS A FUCKING
RETIREMENT CENTER.
Years ago, if you went out in LA you needed
to bring a helmet. Now – you’ll need a pillow
and a blanket, ‘cause this place’ll put your ass
to sleep.
The Troubadour
Just look around:
Obnoxious cover charges everywhere – doing nothing
but granting you the privilege to go in and buy even more
obnoxiously priced drinks. Memo to club owners:
If you charge a cover, there better be a band playing, ‘cause
I can listen to the fucking radio at home.
Then once you get in, you’re surrounded
by a bunch of obnoxious trust fund kids (‘cause they’re
the only ones who can afford to go out in LA) who jetted
out from Manhattan Beach in their BMW. About this
point in time, you’ll notice some tone-deaf motherfucker
spinnin’ turntables. You know his story –
some kid who grew up overweight in Kenosha, Wisconsin, played
tuba in the marching band, and had no friends. Then he woke
up one morning, watched the ‘Club Kids’ edition
of Ricki Lake, and found his true calling. So he moved
to Hollywood, pierced his nipple, and reinvented himself
as DJ Hadnofriends. Now he gets to walk around the
club like he’s Axl fucking Rose for doing nothing more
than spinnin’ someone else’s shit.
Once inside you can’t smoke, and a lot
of these places don’t even let you go out, smoke, and
come back in (like the Roxy – a place I’ll only
go back to if fucking ELVIS is playing). If
you can’t smoke cigarettes in a club, than you can’t
smoke anything else either, and once again – I have
more freedoms goin’ to a party.
"the Roxy - a place I’ll only go back
to if fucking ELVIS is playing."
After an hour or two of this – guess
what? It’s time to go home, ‘cause LA has
earlier bar closing times than the fucking VATICAN.
What these club owners need to get hip to,
is that we have the choice to do whatever we want for entertainment.
It’s a buyer’s market. If they want to make
any money, they gotta provide something you can’t get
anywhere else. Better than movies, better than parties
- better than everything else. Cities like Chicago
and New York know the deal – give ‘em what they
want. You can smoke, drink, get high, fuck, shoot
up – whatever you want – and ‘til four or
five in the morning. This makes you actually want
to go out. And if you go out, they make money.
If they make money, the system works like it’s meant
to.
Now you ask - 'well if Chicago and New York
are so great, why not move there?' 'Cause quite frankly,
they're too fuckin' cold - ball shrinkin' cold, and I have
small enough penis as is.
The Whisky A Go Go
But the audience always gets what it wants.
The only variable that changes is who is providing it.
Club owners can’t get 50 people to show up on Sunset
Boulevard, while some 18 year old kid can throw a rave in
the MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING DESERT and have five thousand
people drive a hundred miles to be there. Why?
‘Cause he gives ‘em what they want.
For a list of Los Angeles Bars and Clubs:
Official
Los Angeles NightClub Directory -
THE NITEGUIDE
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