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LEO
(July 24 - August 23)
Ugh! I just thought about a Leo I used to fuck,
and now I feel sick to my stomach.
VIRGO
(August 24 - September.23)
How was that Bath House-themed Halloween party you went
to? We know you were there - and we have the pictures
to prove it.
LIBRA (September.
24 - October. 23)
You don’t get one this week. Sorry.
SCORPIO (October
24 - November 22)
All I can say is you’re one sexy motherfucker
SAGITTARIUS
(November 23 - December 21)
Watch your ass – or you’ll wind up the next
Prick of The Week.
CAPRICORN
(December 22 - January 20)
You know, all your friends are shocked that you would
marry a girl THAT fat.
AQUARIUS
(January 21 - February 19)
As hard as you try to hide it, everyone knows you’re
a hooker. Guys just don’t give girls money for no
reason, you know.
PISCES (February
20 - March 20)
No one buys your ‘I’m Vegan for health reasons’
bullshit. Take that hippy crap back to Boulder.
ARIES
(March 21 - April 20)
You’re one of those annoying little people that
bad mouths what the people around you do, and then push them
out of the way to take all credit for their accomplishment.
TAURUS (April
21 - May 21)
Go out this week and sue a lawyer as a public service.
GEMINI (May
22 - June 21)
The silly title you hold at your office is a token given
to you by someone who’s paying you far less than you deserve,
and simply buying you off with an empty title. Sorry.
CANCER
(June 22 - July 23)
What’s the difference between Christmas and
Osama Bin Ladin? There will still be a Christmas this
December. Sorry - I had to slip that one in.
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