All right – listen up you assholes. Apparently
some of you were raised by fucking wolves, and now need
me to explain what the term ‘charity’ means:
char·i·ty
n. pl. char·i·ties
1. Something GIVEN to help the needy; alms.
2. Benevolence or GENEROSITY TOWARD OTHERS or toward humanity.
But now, thanks to a few cocksuckers I’ve
had the misfortune of dealing with in the last few weeks,
I can go ahead and add a new, third definition:
3. No – you’re not getting
paid to play, and no – I don’t think a $500 finders
fee is what you deserve.
Here’s the deal – we are the ones
LUCKY enough to have the where-with–all to actually
put on a show at all. Period. Don’t you get it?
There are motherfuckers out there who are dead or worse,
and God knows HOW many friends and relatives lives have
been completely FUCKED, and you’re gonna come to me
and bitch about what time you’re scheduled to play
our benefit show? Are you fucking kidding me? Your
ass is lucky you can even play at all. “Oh –
I don’t think it’s fair I have to pay ten bucks
to get in.” What?!? You’ll run out
and pay $250 to play to four drunks at some dump on Sunset
that hasn’t been cool since the fucking NIXON ADMINISTRATION,
but cry because you have to kick in ten goddamn dollars
to help some orphans? Call your fucking parents for
the money – and be glad you even HAVE PARENTS TO CALL.
Now MOST of you have been absolutely wonderful,
and for that I say thank you. But some of you are
a goddamn disgrace. Now I’m not gonna name names
(yet). I'm not gonna talk about the guy who was at the Cat
Club with Slash's drummer, and didn't have the nutsack to
get him on board. I’m not gonna talk about that fucking
bitch, who absolutely DOES NOT work for the Los Angeles
Lakers organization. I’m not gonna talk about
the band that would rather pretend they’re Soundgarden
at the Viper Room, than help orphans (and by the way, we
knew your Viper Room gig got cancelled before you did).
I’m not gonna talk about charities that are so scared
of dealing with Publicity Whore that they won’t
HELP THE FUCKING PEOPLE THEY CLAIM TO WANT TO HELP!
I’m not gonna talk about the agents and managers that
are burning our invitations because THEY WON’T GET
THEIR MEASLY 10%. I’m not gonna talk about the
guys who will brag to some stupid slut that he knows this
or that rock star, but now doesn’t have the BALLS to
get ‘em on the phone and ask ‘em to do something
worthwhile. And now you come to me and want special
treatment? A favor, I think you called it.
I have a message to anyone listening:
There are a lot more BANDS out there than there are PUBLICITY
WHORES. I can assure you I get at least ten emails a day
from new bands looking to get in – bands that won’t
bust my balls over stupid shit. You can be replaced,
and to be honest – it would make my fucking day.
You suck, and don’t deserve a break. To everyone else:
you are fucking awesome, and are earning a special place
in our army. The rest of you just better get the fuck
out of our way.
Love,
Publicity Whore
