I've gotten a lot of mail recently telling
me that I seem to be a bit angry. But it's simply not true.
In fact I know lots of happy stories' like this little ditty
here:
Once upon a time there was a boy with really
bitchin' hair. He would spend hours sitting in front of
his mirror applying blush and eyeliner - dreaming of one
day making it in a really sexually confused band. So
one day he grabbed his six string and headed off to Hollywood
(where ALL the really sexually confused dreams come true)
In Hollywood he got together with a few other
cute boys who also had really cute hair and they were free
to prance and pout on all the stages in town. And because
their music was like a Twinkie (sweet and sugary with no
substance) they didn't alienate anyone along the way. Soon
they had a large following consisting of all the girls who
couldn't get in to the Bon Jovi concert at the Forum (where
they would have preferred to be). And next thing you know
they were releasing their big hit album Look What The Cat
Coughed Up‚ and all those teenage dreams of eyeliner
and spandex came true. And for five or six minutes there
during the late 80's - all was well for our hero.
But then along came a big bad villain (I think
he stood about 5'7" 120 lbs) and as fast as you could
say Seattle‚ our hero and all his high-haired friends
suddenly seemed as relevant as a BETA deck in the age of
DVD.
What's the matter? they wondered. Is our hair
not high enough? Is our spandex not tight enough?
And for the life of them they couldn't figure
out why an entire generation of music fans would simultaneously
realize that THEY FUCKING SUCKED. Of course it couldn't
be that they were competing against the strongest lineup
of talent assembled since The Beatles and The Stones ruled.
It never occurred to them that their success could only
be attributed to lack of any REAL competition (kinda like
why Limp Bizkit is popular right now). Instead of rising
to the challenge they sunk into an abyss of cocaine and
cheeseburgers' while the rest of the world rocked out to
the best music to come out in YEARS.
But all the while in this enchanted kingdom
lived a girl who loved our hero and believed in his Twinkies
(I mean music). And she would try her hardest to convince
people that they weren't just a washed up has- been joke
(and I assure you this was not an easy task). She was so
smitten with them in fact, that years after their fall from
glory she asked them to play at a big benefit show she was
planning. While the band was unavailable (for God knows
what reason certainly not a sold out show at Madison Square
Garden) our hero agreed and gave her his word he would play.
But the day of the show he was nowhere to be found. It was
ok the show was a big hit regardless but the girl who went
to bat for her hero was left feeling pretty silly' no doubt.
I mean after all she HAD gone to bat for them when NO ONE
else wanted them to play.
So since this is a pseudo-fairy tale here
I suppose I should provide you with a moral. If you are
a second rate musician and happen to have only one fan (which
is all they had in this case) then don't be an asshole.
Have people pulled off the asshole game before? Sure. Kurt
Cobain had the musical chops to back up his anti-social
personality. That's why in 100 years he‚ll be in the
musical pantheon with John Lennon Jimi Hendrix and Beethoven
and that other band will be best remembered as THE GUYS
THAT LOOKED LIKE CHICKS ON THEIR CHEESEBALL ALBUM COVER.
