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LEO
(July 24 - August 23)
This week you should go out and steal someone else's
girlfriend (or at least sleep with her)
VIRGO
(August 24 - September.23)
You will watch too much goddamn CNN and drive everyone
around you nuts with how much you think you know now.
LIBRA (September.
24 - October. 23)
The reason you're always broke is because you suck and
no one will take a chance giving you a real job.
SCORPIO (October
24 - November 22)
You’re one hot little bitch.
SAGITTARIUS
(November 23 - December 21)
You're arrogant and stubborn, no one gives a shit what
you think, and it's about time you figured that out.
CAPRICORN
(December 22 - January 20)
You are glued to the TV waiting for other people to tell
you what you think.
AQUARIUS
(January 21 - February 19)
Why do you keep calling me for your money? Haven't
you figured out that I’m not paying you until you come
and repo this piece of shit.
PISCES (February
20 - March 20)
Ok – here’s what you do – take 3 Xanax
orally, and then quickly snort another 4. That oughta
set ya straight for a few hours.
ARIES
(March 21 - April 20)
This week you should buy the new Fugazi record ‘The
Argument’ and burn me a copy.
TAURUS (April
21 - May 21)
George Bush said we should brace for casualties –
so this week you should enlist and get over as fast as you can
to among them.
GEMINI (May
22 - June 21)
The thought of having to sit here and write something
for you doesn’t really inspire me as an enjoyable way to
pass the time.
CANCER
(June 22 - July 23)
I think it's time you just try a rich guy.
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