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LEO
(July 24 - August 23)
Work like you don’t need the money, and just find
some chick to finance your life.
VIRGO
(August 24 - September.23)
Of course you’re gay – you wear eye liner for
Christ’s sake!
LIBRA (September.
24 - October. 23)
We all saw you coming out of the gay porn section at
the video store last night. Yeah we did – the only
reason you didn’t see us was because the giant stack of
videos you were carrying was blocking your view.
SCORPIO (October
24 - November 22)
Scorpios aren’t known for being the most sentimental
types, so this Christmas you’re guaranteed to shoot at
at least one of those fucks from the Salvation Army who stand
outside Ralph’s ringing those goddamn bells.
SAGITTARIUS
(November 23 - December 21)
My analyst says I should stay away from you because your
overabundance of shortcomings tends to make me a bit tense.
CAPRICORN
(December 22 - January 20)
You’re one of those guys who goes out and gets the
Brad Pitt makeover – ya know – the hair, the clothes,
the petulant pout. Then you go out to a club on Sunset,
stand in the corner by yourself – all brooding and shit,
and wait for some mental patient fresh off a bus from Iowa to
actually think you are Brad Pitt so you can drag her home and
take out all your anger and frustration on her in the sack.
I have to hand it to you, tho – that’s very enterprising.
AQUARIUS
(January 21 - February 19)
This year’s only got about 11 days left, and to
be honest – I’m really fucking surprised I made it.
And I’m even more surprised I let you make it, too.
PISCES (February
20 - March 20)
The reason only ten people come to your shows is because
you suck. I mean REALLY suck.
ARIES
(March 21 - April 20)
Does anybody actually read these goddamn things, anyway?
TAURUS (April
21 - May 21)
Ya know how in ‘The Metal Years’ half the guys
are really cool (Kiss, Ozzy, Motorhead) and the other half really
suck ass (Poison, Odin, Seduce)? Well you guys are pretty
much the Poison of the zodiac.
GEMINI (May
22 - June 21)
You’re one of those girls who’s short and fat
– with really thick legs, but STILL wears little tiny skirts
and tries to act like your three hot friends you went out with.
Yes – everyone sees you, and no – no one’s even
remotely turned on.
CANCER
(June 22 - July 23)
Why is it after 5 days without dope I feel like fucking
screaming?
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