Being old enough to remember when MTV was just a wee pup - I've been pretty much physically incapable of stomaching it for the last ten or fifteen years. Now I know most of you are gonna have to just trust me here, but once upon a time Music Television actually played MUSIC ON TELEVISION. I know this sounds crazy, but they called them 'VIDEOS', and they played them 24 hours a day - 7 days a week. This came in really handy during the cocaine heyday of the mid-80's, when going to sleep just wasn't in the cards. You could sit up all night grinding your teeth watching classics like 'Hot For Teacher' and the 8 or 9 videos where Madonna grabs her box. Radio didn't take it seriously - after all, they were the big kid on the block. And under the mainstream radar MTV was free to play cool shit and it didn't really matter if anyone watched it or not. They could have geeky VJ's like Mark Hunter and Martha Quinn who weren't Tiger Beat's 'Hand Job of the Month' like Carson Daly, and no one seemed to punish them for it.

the 80's

But as the 80's wore on, things began to change. Suddenly this thing that was going on very much against the mainstream BECAME the mainstream. And like everything else that becomes the mainstream - it started to suck. 'Why?' I wondered. Are the record labels fucking BRIBING them to play this shit?

By the time the 90's rolled around, Music Television played everything under the sun EXCEPT music on television. In their place there were shitty shows chronicling the adventures of a bunch of douche bags I wouldn't even listen to if they were THE ONES WITH THE COKE. Do I really care if this guy's gay or if this other fuckhead drinks too much? If I wanted that crap I'd have watched Melrose Place for Christ's sake. I wanted MUSIC VIDEOS, which is why I naively tuned into MTV.

Now you're probably going 'dude - we all know MTV sucks. What's yer point?' Well my point is that on New Years Eve, one of the Publicity Whore's met a guy that works for MTV. He said he's a big fan of Publicity Whore. Reads it all the time.

Apparently we're one of his FAVORITE publications.

'Too bad we can't do anything with you guys, tho,' he said.

'Oh? Why not?'

'Well you guys always bag on Fred Durst - and we work with him a lot.'

'So? What's the point?'

But that WAS the point.

MTV apparently has some sort of special arrangement with Fred Durst (because only a SPECIAL ARRANGEMENT COULD EXPLAIN WHY MTV CONTINUOSLY LICKS HIS ASSHOLE CLEAN).

'Yeah - in fact I've interviewed him five times already.'

'Why five times?' I wondered, 'Is that how many tries it took him to say anything that made any fucking sense?'

But there it is: MTV WILL NOT 'WORK' WITH PUBLICITY WHORE BECAUSE WE REFUSE TO PLAY THE 'PRETEND FRED DURST HAS TALENT' GAME.

A bunch of music fans who call it like we see it apparently threatens this little dick sucking session these guys have going.

NOW DOES ANYBODY ELSE THINK THIS STINKS TO HIGH HEAVEN???

I couldn't care less about the special arrangements and deals and whatever the hell else goes on behind the scenes when rich guys get together. I just want REAL music, and these cocksuckers are keeping it from me. I'd like to drop 10 hits of acid in their coffee and play croquette on their heads for the crimes against culture these fucks commit. (And in a perfect world no jury would convict me, either. I'd be a hero - I'd have more headshots floatin' around than Che Guevara)

There is a conspiracy to force feed us hot steaming piles of dung, guys, and I don't like it. This refusal to keep quiet hasn't made me the most popular guy with MTV, and ya know what - I'm fucking ECSTATIC about that.

We're all gonna be worm food some day, kids, so have some balls. You might lose your job, get dumped by your girlfriend, evicted from your apartment, and wind up homeless in Santa Monica. But hey - at least you'll be in Santa Monica, right?

GOT SOMETHING TO SAY?
RANTS@PUBLICITYWHORE.COM

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