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LEO
(July 24 - August 23)
Right now you're asking yourself why you didn't realize
MTV sucked until I pointed it out to you last week.
VIRGO
(August 24 - September.23)
This is an excellent week for you to be used and manipulated
by a Scorpio.
LIBRA (September.
24 - October. 23)
Believe none of what you hear and half of what you read.
Unless what you read is Publicity Whore, in which case you should
discard all of it immediately.
SCORPIO (October
24 - November 22)
I read my Cosmo 'Scoping Him Out' page the other day
and it told me I owed it to myself to indulge in self indulgence
because it's really what I'm best at.
SAGITTARIUS
(November 23 - December 21)
A message to any currently broke, former porn stars out
there who are wondering why they wound up where the did: The
one getting it up the ass is the one getting it up the ass.
Just something to think about.
CAPRICORN
(December 22 - January 20)
It's not your sign anymore, so fuck you.
AQUARIUS
(January 21 - February 19)
Did you even notice there was no issue last week?
PISCES (February
20 - March 20)
You are wise beyond your years. You remind me so much
of myself.
ARIES
(March 21 - April 20)
Without a doubt - the sign that contains my very least
favorite person on earth.
TAURUS (April
21 - May 21)
Did you really get mad that I picked on MTV last week?
I mean honestly - do you really think MTV's ever gonna do jack
shit for you?
GEMINI (May
22 - June 21)
If you get busted in some shady 60 Minutes-style probe
for stealing money from Jesus Freaks in small towns, then don't
even bother going on the show trying to win back your credibility.
CANCER
(June 22 - July 23)
Insert whatever you would like to believe about yourself
here.'
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