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WHORE'O'SCOPES
LEO
(July 24 - August 23)
You're the guy who ran out and maxed out 10 credit
cards to make some hokey-ass movie that is so laughably bad
that a career counselor recommended you now pursue a career
as a FUCKING ORGAN DONOR!
VIRGO
(August 24 - September.23)
Why do I keep getting the feeling that the minute I make
some money in life I'm gonna get run over by a fucking bus?
LIBRA (September.
24 - October. 23)
If some dude walks up to you and grabs your dick, but
tells you 'I hope you didn't think I meant that in a sexual
way'. what exactly are you supposed to think?
SCORPIO (October
24 - November 22)
I command you to go see L.A.M.F at the Martini Lounge
on March 20.
SAGITTARIUS
(November 23 - December 21)
Did you even notice we skipped a week or two there? Yeah
- I didn't think so.
CAPRICORN
(December 22 - January 20)
Sometimes knowing that you are in full command of your
destiny scares the living shit out of me.
AQUARIUS
(January 21 - February 19)
Why did there have to be TWELVE signs to write for? I
mean why couldn't there be twelve days in a weekend and two
signs in the fucking zodiac? Huh? Did you ever think about THAT?
PISCES (February
20 - March 20)
I've been up for 2 1/2 days at this point and as I sit
here in my dark bedroom trying to write I can swear I'm sitting
in some swamp somewhere in Louisiana listening to crickets and
shit chirping. Just in case you were curious where this crap
comes from.
ARIES
(March 21 - April 20)
I know it makes you sick you go to work and try and I
get high, fuck off for a few hours and go home, and STILL make
four times the money you do.
TAURUS (April
21 - May 21)
When you sit next to someone at work for fucking hours
a week, there are certain implied considerations you must give
each other. For instance, while your fucking botched hernia
operation is quite a huge affair for you, NO ONE else on earth
gives a flying fuck about how fast you're gonna be back out
banging fat whores after it's all over. SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY!!!
You don't even realize how close you came to me stabbing you
in the fucking throat with my pen today!
GEMINI (May
22 - June 21)
Why is it that the older and more seasoned I become the
more irresponsible and fucked up I seem to be getting?
CANCER
(June 22 - July 23)
So YOU were the guy who voted for Gary Condit!
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