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WHORE'O'SCOPES
LEO
(July 24 - August 23)
What's worse: Being blamed for something bad you didn't
do, or being ignored for something outstanding you did?
VIRGO
(August 24 - September.23)
Why is it that a pussy-assed sign like you follows Leo
- the ego maniac of the zodiac? I mean are they the SHITTIEST
possible neighbors?
LIBRA (September.
24 - October. 23)
You are reputed to always be deciding what is right or
wrong. Why don't you just stop psycho-analyzing everything for
five fucking minutes and just live for once.
SCORPIO (October
24 - November 22)
I have an update: The green pants I claims to be sporting
from now on have actually been switched for another pair of
green pants - albeit it a much darker shade. But either way
- they, too, will be on display for at least two or three years.
SAGITTARIUS
(November 23 - December 21)
It really is amazing that both Woody Allen and Frank
Sinatra are both Capricorns. It simply blows all legitimacy
to astrology right out the window.
CAPRICORN
(December 22 - January 20)
Go on Steph - tell me how much this one sucks, too. Bowie,
Elvis, and Amber or not - you guys pretty much blow.
AQUARIUS
(January 21 - February 19)
Ma'am - I'm gonna need you to grab a copy of your electric
bill. Thank you.
PISCES (February
20 - March 20)
I've been up for 2 1/2 days at this point and as I sit
here in my dark bedroom trying to write I can swear I'm sitting
in some swamp somewhere in Louisiana listening to crickets and
shit chirping. Just in case you were curious where this crap
comes from.
ARIES
(March 21 - April 20)
I can't believe you have the nerve to blabber my fucking
ear off about the most retarded shit I've ever heard, and then
STILL have the nerve to wonder what the fuck I need more Vicodin
for?
TAURUS (April
21 - May 21)
I had an interesting revelation recently: treat important
people like shit, and unimportant people like royalty and you
will always be able to infuriate a lot of shitty shallow people.
GEMINI (May
22 - June 21)
I don't think I've ever met a Gemini that I actually
liked… not even a little.
CANCER
(June 22 - July 23)
All right - get over it - your fucking birthday is
over, so get back in the corner and shut the fuck up for
the next 11 months.
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