Me - I'm A Jennifer Love Hewitt man. Back when I was in college I used to watch Party Of Five with my girlfriend and all her yenta friends. And the first time I laid eyes on her, I knew I was gonna marry her. I mean she's cute - like a girl, but she's sexy, too. So sexy, in fact, that it really REALLY pissed me off when she ran off and let that hand job Carson Daly soil her.

Bitch!

And even in spite of said potentially deal-breaking soiling, I would have married you, Love. But fuck you, you dragged your feet for way too goddamn long - scampering around town with every Tom, Dick, And Harry like I didn't have any friends at The Beverly Hills Hotel. Yeah - you heard me.

Publicity Whores even exist in
galaxies Far Far Away...

I've had it with you, see, cause I have a new love, and her name's Natalie Portman. And she's in this kick ass movie about space ships, and shit, and we're gonna be very happy together flying around and gettin' in adventures and shit. See - she's a queen. Yeah, so she's rich. I mean really rich - royalty rich. Not like that 'TV rich' you're so proud of.

That Bitch Is Smokin'!

See, me and Natalie, we have real things going on, like saving the galaxy and shit like that. We're not sitting around like you and what's his name, worrying about what lame-ass N 'Sync song to play on TRL. You hear me? You two made me sick sitting there...

(pause for dramatic effect)

But I digress. Star Wars is pretty good. Not bad, but no 'Weekend At Bernie's II', either. The toys are cool. You're definitely gonna wanna pick up a light saber the next time you pop E.

Where's My Chemical Brothers Disc?

George Lucas still can't direct, and his dialogue is some of the worst ever put to paper, but who cares? We've already established that it's Natalie Portman's show, and I for one couldn't be more pleased, with the belts shirts and shit...

I couldn't be happier to be rid of you, Miss Hewitt. You hear me?

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