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Whore-O-Scopes
by:
Harry Turtleneck
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(July
24 - Aug. 23)
You ever have one of those weeks that'll never forget as long
as you live? Well - you have none of that excitement to look
forward to this week. Sorry.
(Aug. 24 - Sept.
23)
No - 'Publicity Hound'
isn't a better name than 'Publicity Whore'. Stick to
what you're good at and leave the funny shit to me.
(Sept. 24 - Oct.
23)
I know you're ready to scream, and you could really REALLY use
a lake house right now, but because you lead your life like
such an asshole it's no wonder you have no options right now.
Duh...
(Oct.
24 - Nov. 22)
I'm sorry daddy rang your
doorbell as a kid, but Jesus - will you stop torturing me for
it?
(Nov. 23 - Dec. 21)
I know I made you promise to partying so hard, but now I'm kinda
hopin' you would die..
(Dec. 22 - Jan. 20)
Thanks for all the emails
telling me how much you like my work, you fucking sheep.
(Jan. 21 - Feb. 19)
Fuck paying $125 an hour
for therapy - just write for Publicity Whore. You'll
feel better - trust me.
(Feb. 20 - March 20)
The reason I keep my hair
so short is because I'd pull all of it out having to hear your
fucking voice day after day.
(March 21 - April 20)
We're back in the game -
and new issues are being created now by our legions of Ritalin
abusing drones.
 (April
21 - May 21)
Buy The Eminem Show
(May 22 - June 21)
What does it mean when teachers
and bosses sound like nails on a chalkboard and Eminem sounds
like Mozart?
 (June
22 - July 23)
It's darkest before the dawn, remember.
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