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Whore-O-Scopes
by:
Harry Turtleneck
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(July
24 - Aug. 23)
I always know
when it's Leo time of the year again, 'cause all of you ego-maniacs
set aside a good week or two for your birthday celebration,
and expect everyone around you to be as interested in it as
you are. HINT: They're not - even if they are REALLY good
at pretending. This year I predict more vanity and self-absorption,
with a touch of the inevitable disappointment that your 'admirers'
never quite give you all the attention you feel you deserve.
(Aug. 24 - Sept.
23)
Your peculiar
and irritating habits that you think you hide (but don't), will
finally drive those around you into a violent blood soaked rage.
(Sept. 24 - Oct.
23)
Someone with a shit eating grin will piss you off. I advise
you to piss on him.
(Oct.
24 - Nov. 22)
You can do no wrong. You
are an angel.
(Nov. 23 - Dec. 21)
As always, you will be phony and two faced. And, as always,
everyone around you will hate you for it.
(Dec. 22 - Jan. 20)
Body odor and foul hygiene
will rear its ugly head again. Fear not, Oprah has dealt with
it her whole life.
(Jan. 21 - Feb. 19)
Fuck paying $125 an hour
for therapy - just write for Publicity Whore. You'll
feel much better - trust me.
(Feb. 20 - March 20)
What are you always crying
about? Most people figured out by fifth grade that the world,
in a nutshell, doesn’t give a fuck about you. This week ask
yourself why you’re always the last to know.
(March 21 - April 20)
We're back in the game -
and new issues are being created now by our legions of Ritalin
abusing drones.
 (April
21 - May 21)
Buy The Eminem Show.
(May 22 - June 21)
What does it mean when teachers
and bosses sound like nails on a chalkboard and Eminem sounds
like Mozart?
 (June
22 - July 23)
All these recycled Whore " Scopes are dedicated to
the people who falsely accused me of recycling the last
batch.
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