(July 24 - Aug. 23)

I swear - sending you to Vegas is like sending R. Kelly to a fucking Girl Scout meeting.

(Aug. 24 - Sept. 23)

If you haven't heard the new Red Hot Chili Peppers album 'By The Way' yet, I command you to get off your lazy ass and download it off the internet, like a good little
21st century brat.

(Sept. 24 - Oct. 23)

If you're ever in the market for a nice, all-purpose over-the-counter sleeping pill (and let's be honest - who isn't?) then you've gotta go with Sominex. Four of those on an empty stomach, and you'll be amazed that that shit's legal.

(Oct. 24 - Nov. 22)

People hate you, Scorpio, because they are jealous.

(Nov. 23 - Dec. 21)

Do ANY white people drive Escalades?

(Dec. 22 - Jan. 20)

My horoscope on Yahoo! today told me sit back and let my genius flow. Well... I'm waiting.

(Jan. 21 - Feb. 19)

Recent Publicity Whore demographic research shows that our two most frequently read interviews are with Playmate Kimberly Stanfield and Porn titan Ron Jeremy. Whattaya think that says about the average Publicity Whore reader?

(Feb. 20 - March 20)

Don't you like it when friends you hang out with every day don't even read your shit, but total strangers in Paraguay read every issue front to back?

(March 21 - April 20)

The best thing I've found about having drama with inept fools, is that over a long enough timeline they will crumble under their own underqualified weight.

(April 21 - May 21)

A wise man once told me that given the choice between bitches or bling-bling, always take the bling-bling, for without bling-bling, you will surely be without bitches.

(just don't call 'em gold-diggers)

(May 22 - June 21)