Exclusive Interview:
Saddam
Hussein
By:
Harry Turtleneck
|
By
now - everybody's heard about Diamond Dan Rather's big 'exclusive'
interview with soon-to-be dead man Saddam Hussein.
But
what you might not know, and what those lying bastards
at CBS don't want you to know, is that I - the
great Harry Turtleneck, also sat down with Saddam recently.
Harry
Turtleneck: Saddam - first I would like to thank
you for the warmest of welcomes I received last night from
the 30 virgins you had waiting for me. All you kids reading
at home - never let 'em tell you Saddam doesn't know how
to get down.
Saddam
Hussein: I'm glad you found them accommodating.
Harry:
Oh yes - very. You Iraqis sure know how to strip women of
any sense of identity at all.
Saddam:
Sean Penn really enjoyed that when he was here, too.
Are you
outta your fuckin'
mind fuckin' with me?
Harry:
Saddam, now that I see you in person - I must compliment
you on what you've done with your mustache. In a word -
it's breathtaking.
Saddam:
Thank you - thank you. I'm quite happy with it - several
of my wives told me it makes me look like Burt Reynolds.
Harry:
Or another mass-murdering dictator I know you admire - Josef
Stalin.
Saddam:
Well - it was a tough decision. Sergio - my image consultant,
advised me that in times of crisis, it's best to go with
a classic look. I experimented with the Fu Man Chu-style
once sported by the great Genghis Kahn. But logistically
we found my mighty mustache unable to handle the extreme
aerodynamics required. Sergio then suggested the Adolph
Hitler, but my teenaged American sex slaves told me waxing
hurts like a motherfucker.
Get It?
Harry:
Dan Rather's a brown-nosing weiner, isn't he? Was it difficult
to control your legendary temper enduring his 'please-don't-kill-me'
ass licking?
Saddam:
Well - Mr Rather's ass-licking is the stuff of
legend. But after years of petrified plebeians begging me
for their lives, I'm used to it.
'How am
I gonna get all
this poop off my nose?'
Harry:
With all the mustard gas you've been manufacturing lately,
it must be difficult to find the time to keep up on new
music. But who do you listen to when you're bumpin' around
Baghdad.
Saddam:
I think Eminem's brilliant. All my spies within the U.N.
inspections team thought he was robbed at the your Grammy's
by that no good slut Norah Jones. You American's and your
giving women awards thing - I'll never understand. I've
also been bumpin' an LA-based rapper named Hitchcock whose
gonna be blowin' up huge any day now, yo.
Harry:
Well Saddam, I'm feeling a bit light-headed since drinking
the coffee you gave me, so I should probably be getting
back to the virgins.
Saddam:
Yeah - I gotta get back to the lab to see how the Smallpox
is coming along.
Harry:
Any last words, no pun intended, for the Publicity
Whore readers?
Saddam:
Yeah - fuck Bush.
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