Publicity Whore O Scopes

WARNING: NOTHING FOUND HEREIN SHOULD BE TAKEN REMOTELY SERIOUSLY

Whore-O-Scopes

by: Harry Turtleneck

(July 24 - Aug. 23)

Is it wrong for me to want us to go to war, just so there will be interesting headlines on Yahoo?

(Aug. 24 - Sept. 23)

When I read that Michael Jackson paid $150,000 for a hex to be put on Steven Speilberg, I was shocked.

I mean, shit - I coulda gotten him a top shelf Haitian hex for under five grand - tops.

Oh well - I guess when you're used to over-paying...

(Sept. 24 - Oct. 23)

Oh yeah - and the 'one' nose job he had was to 'correct a breathing problem.'

(Oct. 24 - Nov. 22)

Now I'm not a doctor, but after the Norah Jones sweep I'm pretty sure the Grammy's are rigged.

And boring as a motherfucker...

(Nov. 23 - Dec. 21)

Some creepy Scientology weirdo came up to me yesterday and told me that I should join his 'church.' I told him that while he is the type of guy who would join a cult, I was the type of guy who would start a cult.

The creepy little weirdo just walked away.

(Dec. 22 - Jan. 20)

Did I mention I interviewed Saddam Hussein?

(Jan. 21 - Feb. 19)

If someone were to 'accidentally shoot that little twerp Justin - from American Idol, I'm pretty sure no jury would convict him.

(Feb. 20 -March 20)

You know what would make a great reality show? 'Leprosy Island' - take all these idiots from 'Married By America,' chain them to a rock, inject them with Leprosy, and we can tune in each week to see how their decomposition is coming along.