LEO (July 24 - August 23)

Your weak attempts at good and justice for all, Suck. Give It Up! You Are Hopeless!

VIRGO (August 24 - September.23)

Your peculiar and irritating habits that you think you hide (but don't), will finally drive those around you into a violent blood soaked rage.

LIBRA (September. 24 - October. 23)

You will realize that your prince, ship, or whatever the hell else you are waiting for to calmed make your pathetic life real won't!
Get over it!

SCORPIO (October 24 - November 22)

Your tendencies towards gayness and fetish porn will provoke suspicion and controversy with those around you.
Face it big guy, THEY KNOW!

SAGITTARIUS (November 23 - December 21)

Someone with a shit eating grin will piss you off. I advise you to piss on him.

CAPRICORN (December 22 - January 20)

Body odor and foul hygiene will rear its ugly head again. Fear not Oprah has dealt with it her whole life.

AQUARIUS (January 21 - February 19)

You can do no wrong. You are an angel.

PISCES (February 20 - March 20)

You are a fish. I mean come on.. A Fish!

ARIES (March 21 - April 20)

Now is not the best time to burn bridges with that special someone. If you do, who will come over for late night?

TAURUS (April 21 - May 21)

Wherever you go, There you are.

GEMINI (May 22 - June 21)

The anxiety you feel is not all in your head. Size does matter after all.

CANCER (June 22 - July 23)

You will think dream and spew the Publicity Whore gospel to legions of adoring fans and well wishers. Or you will suffer a horrid fate, similar to infectious degenerative Leprosy