LEO (July 24 - August 23)

Who?

VIRGO (August 24 - September.23)

Your birthday's almost over so enjoy it while it lasts.

LIBRA (September. 24 - October. 23)

Go out and get one of those "Make Your Penis 3 Inches Larger" kits they advertise on Howard Stern.

SCORPIO (October 24 - November 22)

This week you should go out and steal someone else's girlfriend.

SAGITTARIUS (November 23 - December 21)

This week, someone will steal your girlfriend.

CAPRICORN (December 22 - January 20)

You will watch too much goddamn CNN and drive everyone around you nuts with how much you think you know now.

AQUARIUS (January 21 - February 19)

The reason you're always broke is because you suck and no one will take a chance giving you a real job.

PISCES (February 20 - March 20)

You will spend this week trying in vain to point out all the similarities you share with fellow Pisces Kurt Cobain.

ARIES (March 21 - April 20)

You're arrogant and stubborn, no one gives a shit what you think, and it,s about time you figured that out.

TAURUS (April 21 - May 21)

I have nothing to say to you.

GEMINI (May 22 - June 21)

Pound for pound, the lamest damn group in the bunch. Your self-hatred is matched only by the world's hatred for you.

CANCER (June 22 - July 23)

You are glued to the TV waiting for other people to tell you what you think.