LEO (July 24 - August 23)

You’ve been thinking about killing yourself for ages, Leo, now stop talking and take some action.

VIRGO (August 24 - September.23)

When you leave the room, Virgo, everybody badmouths you for at least an hour or two.  They highlight all the shortcomings you’re aware of, and many, many more you don’t know about yet.

LIBRA (September. 24 - October. 23)

Give someone new Herpes this week.

SCORPIO (October 24 - November 22)

The next time someone walks up and says ‘Boy – how bout that war?’ – kick him in the nuts.

SAGITTARIUS (November 23 - December 21)

Your new girlfriend – ya know, the one you really like?  She used to take it up the ass in porn movies.Sorry.

CAPRICORN (December 22 - January 20)

Since life really is short and fragile, go to work and take a steaming dump on your boss’ desk.  Why?  Because you can.

AQUARIUS (January 21 - February 19)

I looked into my crystal ball for your future this week, Aquarius, and I saw you suffering and dying from the Plague.

PISCES (February 20 - March 20)

Remember that night last week when you couldn’t get a hold of your girlfriend?  Well – she was off catching the clap, which she will be giving to you this week.

ARIES (March 21 - April 20)

You just plain suck.

TAURUS (April 21 - May 21)

When you’re girlfriend told you – “it happens to every guy now and then’ – she lied, and then she told all her friends about you.

GEMINI (May 22 - June 21)

Right now, millions of tiny cancer cells are gathering somewhere inside you, plotting your long and painful death.

CANCER (June 22 - July 23)

Have you no mind of your own – always fussing to please everyone else?  You’re being used and manipulated, asshole.  Can’t you see that?