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LEO
(July 24 - August 23)
Because being denied a compliment
is the hardest pain for a Leo to endure, I will use this opportunity
to let you know that all that primping and pampering you’ve
done to pretty yerself up has failed. That is all
VIRGO
(August 24 - September.23)
Really – you shouldn’t feel so bad just because
you have a genetic inability to stop giving all your money to
telemarketers.
LIBRA (September.
24 - October. 23)
Happy birthday, fuck head.
SCORPIO (October
24 - November 22)
Bide your time – it’s
darkest before the dawn. Soon you’ll be hurting people
with your old spark.
SAGITTARIUS
(November 23 - December 21)
Go out, pick up the new Garbage album – ‘beautiful
garbage’, and try to convince yourself they haven’t
gotten a musical vasectomy.
CAPRICORN
(December 22 - January 20)
Pettiness is your thing. And quite frankly, I’m
glad it is.
AQUARIUS
(January 21 - February 19)
Go out and download a bunch of shit off of Limewire as
your way of sticking it all the cock sucking record execs in
LA.
PISCES (February
20 - March 20)
What are you always crying about? Most people figured
out by fifth grade that the world, in a nutshell, doesn’t
give a fuck about you. This week ask yourself why you’re
always the last to know.
ARIES
(March 21 - April 20)
You are the kind of person that thinks the person who
randomly was assigned to sit next to you on an airplane actual
actually wants to hear you carry on about this and that for
four straight hours. This week, look for
the signs – reading a book, writing a letter, taking a
handful of Vicodin to kill the pain – these are your clues
to shut the fuck up.
TAURUS (April
21 - May 21)
Time you time, you stumble into a position where you
can help someone out. This week – be a good guy and
do it. This way you can be shit on an a few months when
said charity case refuses to help you in your darkest
hour.
GEMINI (May
22 - June 21)
This week I command you to write a check in the amount
of a thousand dollars to ‘publicity whore'.
CANCER
(June 22 - July 23)
Your task this time is to make sure the Gemini’s
write their $1,000.00 checks to ‘publicity whore’
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