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LEO
(July 24 - August 23)
When you leave the room, everybody badmouths youfor
at least an hour or two. They highlight all theshortcomings
you’re aware of, and many, many more youdon’t know
about yet.
VIRGO
(August 24 - September.23)
Your girlfriend’s pretty good at giving head, huh?
Well how do ya think she got that good?
LIBRA (September.
24 - October. 23)
Give someone new the Clap this week.
SCORPIO (October
24 - November 22)
Why should we even feel sorry for you? A more perfect
misery couldn’t have befallen a more deserving scumbag.
SAGITTARIUS
(November 23 - December 21)
The next time someone walks up and says ‘Boy –
how bout that Anthrax?’ – kick him in the nuts.
CAPRICORN
(December 22 - January 20)
Pound for pound, the lamest damn group in the bunch.
Your self-hatred is matched only by the world's hatred for you.
AQUARIUS
(January 21 - February 19)
In the spirit of ridding the world, go home, dump a bucket
of gas over your head, and light a match.
PISCES (February
20 - March 20)
This week you won’t even notice that your whore-o-scope
was simply pieced together by old ones.
ARIES
(March 21 - April 20)
You are the kind of person that thinks the person who
randomly was assigned to sit next to you on an airplane actual
actually wants to hear you carry on about this and that for
four straight hours. This week, look for
the signs – reading a book, writing a letter, taking a
handful of Vicodin to kill the pain – these are your clues
to shut the fuck up.
TAURUS (April
21 - May 21)
Sorry to rain on your parade, but three inches isn’t
the national average.
GEMINI (May
22 - June 21)
Now is not the best time to burn bridges with the one
person who lets you sleep with ‘em Remember how long
your last dry spell lasted?
CANCER
(June 22 - July 23)
You will think dream and spew the Publicity Whore
gospel to legions of adoring fans and well-wishers. Or you
will suffer a horrid fate, similar to infectious degenerative
Leprosy.
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